Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Learning to Be

Hey ya fellow earth-dwellers.
It's been a whiles since I posted some of my random thoughts and/or not so random thoughts.
Part of that sad fact is due to life being such woman with all its drama, and partly because I know that my mother reads this blog (Hi Mom!).

But I thought I should go ahead and type away for a few minutes anyway.

I recently came across a question that asked what was one thing I had learned this year. I pondered this question thoughtfully and came to the conclusion that I have learned much this year, and probably could not give justice to each lesson in the time frame I was given.
And so, I shall attempt to let you in own a few of the things I have come to understand in (a few days short of) 365 days.

Life Lesson Learned

#1. Time stops for no man.
This is one of those things that I've always known, but never really accepted. I'm just now coming to terms with the fact that I can never go back. I can never relive. Life goes on. Things change. Friends change. Loves change. I change. And you know what? That's ok.
I figured that out without any therapy, thank you very much...

#2. I'm more spiritual than I once thought.
Last year, if you had said something even hinting at the word spiritual I would have burst out in laughing. Before, being spiritual meant dancing crazy and saying "Thank you Jesus" every three seconds. Now I realize it's the search, the questions, the pursuit of God. It's not about what you do that makes you spiritual, but how you approach life. How you view the world.
And even though a little part of me rolls its eyes as I say it, I think I qualify.

#3. Beauty is so important.
I've always known that beauty is more than just a pretty face, but I haven't actually tried to put my finger on "what is beauty" until this year. I could write you a book on what I've discovered in this "pursuit of beauty", but in a nutshell, I've found beauty to be nearly everywhere. And almost always more so in places where you least expect it.

#4. I have a great family.
If you would have told me a couple years ago that I had an amazing family I probably would've just shrugged my shoulders and said "yeah I guess". But now a days I'm not so quick to take them for granted. Do they annoy me? Yes. Do they hurt me? Sometimes. Do they influence violent thoughts? Heck yes. But I can get over it. I can let go now. I can forgive. That's one of the things I have to thank my Family for; teaching me that forgiveness is necessary to living happily.

#5. My time will come.
Even as I type that, I feel a little pang of sadness in my chest.
Why? Because everything about that sentence goes against everything I am. I want to take control; plan, plan, plan. Do and do some more. Independent. Instant gratification.
But more than all that...I want to know. So bad. And I don't. I don't know when my time will come, I don't know what it even entails. All I know is I'm not in control and, you guessed it, that's ok. That's a big one for me right now. Letting go of the terrifying future and just living the best I can now.

#6. I am capable of growth.
Last year I viewed myself as a very set, very fixed individual who would be lucky if she could get around to forgiving that one kid who always scribbled on her paper in Sunday school (I know where you live...). Now, after such a hellaious past few years, I realized that I have the potential and (more amazing still) the will power to be a better person. And stuff that would have killed me a few years ago, don't matter so much anymore. Maturity, huh? Who'd have thought...

#7. It's ok to not be perfect.
It took me 18 years to even give this assumption a chance, but it turns out to be very true. Never have I ever considered myself perfect. In fact, I've always been very aware of the fact that I'm not. It's just that, for some reason, I felt that I had to prove to everyone else that I was near perfect because no one wants a dysfunctional person to deal with. For some reason I had to be the calm one, the good one, the right one. Now I know I can be irrationally emotional, maliciously bad, and dead wrong and it will be ok.

There's more of course, but I think that's enough for now.
Enjoy life, my friends.
I'm learning to, and so far, it's been pretty fun. ;)


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